It Really Is 42!
Recently, my She-human and I watched a wedding on the Today Show on NBC. About six million of us watched it, to be exact. What a whoop de doo. Reportedly viewers selected the couple, the clothing, the rings, the cake and even the honeymoon by logging in on the Internet. Unfortunately the bridesmaids’ dresses were all wrong as the maids were a bit on the Real Woman side and the gowns were designed for stick women who are not all that common except in Vogue and fashion shows. The groom was Jewish and the bride was a convert, whatever that means. The bride looked befuddled when the rabbi alternately sang and spoke his wedding spiel. I’m sure all her relatives were as confused. I didn’t understand any of it, but it was sort of musical so I thought it was pretty terrific. I also liked the men's little beanies. She-human has a friend who wears a beanie with a propeller on top. He plays the bass.
As for I, JimBob the cynical dog, the televised-on-national TV wedding was just another case in point of the paltry efforts of human butthole sniffing. Humans turn this basic instinct into elaborate rituals or ceremonies because humans get very upset when other humans sniff their mates. I don’t understand it as humans often select mates on the basis of their sniffability and yet when another sniffer comes nosing around, the mate of the sniffee reacts strongly. Now I agree that sniffing is an aphrodisiac (and also a learning tool) but humans need to acquire more reasons for selecting their mates than raw sniffability. I believe you can only sniff one thing for a limited amount of time before you’re off and sniffing elsewhere. To keep it together with the one you love to sniff, I deem it necessary to require additional attributes in your sniffed one. Refinements such as: 1. breeding 2. quantity and quality of litters (this characteristic is optional for dogs since humans remove our reproduction glands in a most genocidal manner) 3. energy and enthusiasm 4. strong bones and teeth 5. longevity 6. good health (no heart worms, fleas, ticks or lice) 7. ability to share your food and water bowls without snapping and growling. Those are a few of my favorite things.
In the past, humans had more powerful reasons for acquiring mates. Sniffibility had little to do with it. It was more about survival. Female mates brought sizable dowries into the marriage. Breeding was for producing sons, especially the elder of the litter. Mates were often selected because of family bloodlines and possession of the same tribal beliefs. Mates were respectable. Not only were female mates banned from premarital sex, once they were married they could never sniff elsewhere. Now back then, it was acceptable for males to sniff freely both before and after the marital ritual as long as they were discreet. Females were not allowed the same freedoms. That’s because they had to know exactly fathered their litters. The female mate and the offspring were the property of the male. Same-gender marriages were unacceptable, not to mention unheard-of or illegal.
She-human is okay with same-gender or same-sex unions. She likes men and women of either sex.. Her theory is a composite of science, biology and culture. I’ve heard her express her opinion on the subject often. Anyway, it primarily involves modern evolution of the human species. To wit: Humans have come a long way from the primordial soup kitchen. Survival drove the human vehicle; propagation of the species rode shotgun. It was tough back then. Imagine braving the elements clad only in the skins of animals acquired by persistence, cunning and skill. Eating everything raw. Finally learning how to build a fire. Defending your territory against beasts and other humans. Constructing shelters or living in caves. Eating your pets. Yeeesh…
As evolution plodded forth, humans developed communal systems like clans or tribes. Humans next developed systems within systems. They created governments and religions for the purpose of guarding their goodies and acquiring the goodies of other humans. They supported kings and whatnot. Underlying these external features, survival of the species ruled. Feudalism prevailed in various forms throughout the earth. Great wars and pestilences repeatedly impacted proliferation. So men married women and women stuck close to the men for protection of their young and the guarding of their goodies. That’s how it was for a long, long time. We dogs watched it all and waited and hoped the humans would evolve.
In the last century, technology affected humans to such an extent that roles changed. Humans quit having large litters. Female humans learned to take care of themselves and even acquired some power. Young humans watched TV. They wanted all the goodies advertised on TV commercials thus making it necessary for double bread winners in families. Humans don’t get spayed or neutered. They take pills. And do other stuff. Soon, couples yielded only 2.3 offspring per family. Many marriages did not survive; in fact, humans of both sexes almost became canine in the methods and variety of butt hole sniffing. Unlike canines, the consequences of extensive butt hole sniffing was costly and involved lawyers who decided how to parcel out goodies acquired by the couple including custody of their tiny 2.3 litters.
How does same-gender couplings come into this narrative? Easy. The earth is packed with humans. Too many humans. Biologically and culturally, propagation of the species lost importance. People of the same gender don’t reproduce. They may adopt baby humans or use modern science to implant sperm and grow fetuses according to their own specifications. So, as She-human remarks, humans evolved into a species driven by other needs such as the need for love and affection as well as self-actualization. Love and affection can exist without tribal boundaries because humans speed from one continent to the other in the time it took their ancestors to sharpen their spears. Love and affection isn’t based on affluence or property. Love and affection need not produce offspring. Love and affection isn’t defined by gender. Love and affection influences self-actualization; self-actualization has some dependency upon love and affection but once achieved, can exist independently. Humans are learning that their sense of self drives their ability to give as well as receive true love and affection. Human parents are more concerned today in producing emotionally healthy offspring rather than hunters and gatherers. But they do send them to college just in case.
Well, some thoughts on the peculiarities of humans. Eventually they will catch up with us dogs. We are the creme de la creme of self-actualization. We are the Zen and Now. Your friend, JimBob

More about Jimbob: I am a 7.5 year old dog named JimBob. I’m part Australian Shepherd and I think the other half is Border Collie (or something). I’m mostly white with dark gray to black markings, especially around my facial area. I have a large black spot on my right side. A cute little strip of white fur sneaks down from the center of my forehead almost to the tip of my snoot giving my head a cleverly lopsided look. I don’t have a tail--just this little black powder puff that looks as if glued to my back end. She-human, my owner, loves my tail. It makes her laugh. Also, I’m enormously smart but I am very much set on having my own way. Sometimes I can get away with it. I came into my she-human’s life when I was about 6 months old. She got me from the SPCA.
…..I’ve been thinking a lot about the Meaning of Life lately. Humans have such differing views. Some think we are part of a Big Joke played by some cosmic entity. Many others believe that we evolved. If humans came from apes, where did dogs come from? I’d like to think we dogs were at one time dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are awesome. I saw a picture of a dinosaur leg bone once in a National Geographic that She-human left on the bathroom floor (that’s her Reading Room). Boy howdy, could I chew on that bone for awhile! I’d never ever have even the ghost of plaque for as long as I lived.
Then there are other humans who believe in these godlike humans like Christ, Mohammed, Karl Marx, Thor, Kali, Joseph Smith, Buddha, the Earth Mother and a host of others. Some of them really get way out there. My she-human used to be sort of religious as opposed to spiritual. I’m glad I didn’t know her back then. She’s one loose goose these days, and believe me, that’s okay with me. Otherwise, she would probably be blathering about some Heaven for Dogs or some such garbage. (Dogma to you.)
Personally, of all the theories I’ve listened in on so far, I like reincarnation. Some might say that dogs will eventually reincarnate into human beings if they have good karma. I think it is the other way around. I mean, let’s check it out: How many canines do you know on Prozac? (Of course Separation Anxiety sucks, but I got over it pretty fast after She-human whupped me with her remaining shoe... I’d just chewed up 8a total of 16 pairs of ‘em!) Do dogs tremble at the mention of an IRS audit? Nope. Do dogs obsess about the latest fashions or get tattoos or piercings? Uh uh. Dogs don’t worry about high cholesterol or their sodium intake. Dogs aren’t drunks or drug addicts although dogs think drunk humans are really funny when they are loaded. Dogs don’t get arrested (well, I knew a cat who got reported to Animal Control. Belonged to the She-human back when I was just a pup). Dogs don’t get married and therefore they don’t get divorced and stuck with alimony, child care payments or end up in therapy or singles bars. However, I would like to get my paws on my old man, whoever he was. Some stray, my ma said. She had quite a litter and at least two or three of us had to be his. Well, my She-human says there are human men just like that. My she-human avoids those guys like the plague. She said she had a guy like that once when she was about 20, and that was one too many. But remember, god spelled backwards is….And by the way, did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who wondered if there really was a Dog?
Anyway, I’m hanging with Bear Monday through Friday during the daytime while She-human works and I have time on my paws to think about Life, the Universe, and Everything (thanks, Douglas Adams wherever you are). So that’s how my day went. Your friend, JimBob

It's JimBob again. I also run an advice column for dogs...sort of an agony aunt, or whatever my equivelent is. Here's a sample. Feel free to have your own mutt contact me as I'm an excellent problem-solver. Just call me Dear Yappy.

This letter really grabbed me. Here it is:

Dear Yappy, I can’t tell you how happy I am that I finally have someone I can spill my guts to. I am a Boston Terrier. I weigh about fourteen pounds and I’m black and white. I have this problem: I’m a car chaser. I know I should not chase cars. Usually, I’m in the fenced in yard but sometimes I can slip through the gate if it isn't shut properly by my humans and I go for broke. I can’t tell you why I pick cars for my prey as my neighborhood, much like yours, is filled to capacity with squirrels, cats, raccoons and lizards. Maybe it is because cars are fast and noisy. I like challenges. You could say it is much more challenging to pop a squirrel out of a tree than to chase a car but cars are my thing. I don’t chase motorcyclists or bicyclists--just cars. Now one of my humans totally freaks out when I do this because when she was just a little girl, her pet doggie (also a car chaser) got ran over by the mailman. She natters on and on about how Skippy became road pizza, about the many gallons of tears she shed in school all that day, and how totally devastating it was. I understand that I’m causing her lots of grief but somehow I just can’t stop. So, dear Yappy, why do I do this? I love my humans and I love to please them. But chasing cars is something I just have to do. Sincerely, Carlos the Car Chaser

Response from Dear Yappy:
Dear Carlos, Live up to your name and be Car-less. Not Careless. You, like Skippy, will truly end up as flat as a Frisbee with just two little old eyes bugging out. Think about it. I, myself, prefer squirrels. I never catch them but I am always challenged. You eventually will catch up to a car but after you catch up with it, then what? What are you going to do with two tons of metal and rubber? You can’t eat it. You can’t play with it or chew on it. It won’t fit in your dog house. It’s just dead weight. And what if you catch the wrong end of the car? Meaning, it catches you of course. What if it doesn’t kill you but you lose a body part in the process? What if you lose a leg and everybody starts calling you Tripod? It can happen. Believe me, life will not be fun after that. I highly recommend listening to the humans. You’re spinning out of control. Chasing a dream. Setting yourself up for a major disappointment. Find other ways of getting your ya-ya's off, if that’s your thing. Hound your humans into taking you for walks. You want a real challenge? Learn to climb trees and catch squirrels. Sincerely, Yappy

So gentle readers, please post any problems you pets are having at home. Thanks. JimBob/Yappy

The World According to JimBob

My she-human is telling all her friends that I am a literary dog. I’m a little embarrassed by the whole thing. It isn’t like pets can’t have literary talents. Colette’s cat was quite eloquent but then her cat was French. Not that it makes much of a difference.
One thing we dogs have over humans is that no matter where on the planet you find us, we can bark anywhere and be understood. I can say “arf, arf, arf!’ in France, Japan, Outer Mongolia or Venezuala and every dog within hearing distance understands me perfectly. No Tower of Babel mythology for us. Humans invent these myths to excuse their inability to communicate civilly. They have a multitude of languages and no sense of global community. Their general interests always involve power and money. They start wars because some humans look different. They war against humans who think or believe differently. Humans obliterate other humans constantly and Gawd help any animals who are in the paths of their guns and bombs. Humans are always in an ‘Us and Them’ situation. Ever notice that? Several humans can live or work together in the same office or even the same house. Then if one or two of the humans separate from the main group, they become Them. The Us humans feel superior to the Them humans. Then the Them humans catch wind of the bad attitude the Us humans have and the next thing you know, the Them’s cop the same bad attitude and there you have it!